We recently came across the article below in the highly respected British newspaper, The Telegraph
The very well written article (as always for this newspaper which has excellent subscription offers online) makes for an incisive and interesting read, arguing that Britain as a nation and its individuals are acting as if the country were more wealthy than it in fact now is or has been for some time, which is storing up problems for the future.
It is far beyond the remit of us here at StressBustingExpert™ to comment on the specific issues raised by the article, save to observe that strikes by the likes of postal workers and train drivers so soon to Christmas might predictably cause broad sections of society who have no control over their terms of employment but who are increasingly vulnerable, isolated and anxious at this time of year, to become even more so, and this is certainly not within the spirit of Christmas.
We thought, however, that we could utilise the article as illustrating an excellent potential example of the phenomenon and effect of “Denial”.
So what is Denial? Well, to us it is the failure or refusal to recognise that a state of events, circumstances or actions are counterproductive, harmful or unsustainable (such as those described in the article).
Denial is therefore the Enemy of Progress.
Denial can come in all shapes and forms – it could be failing to acknowledge a toxic relationship or one not working out for you (for further insight on this, see our previous post entitled "The Relationship between Toxicity & Stressbusting™").
Or maybe continuing to spend money at a certain level that cannot be afforded.
Or perhaps being non equipped to perform duties expected of you at work.
It could even be a failure to accept physical symptoms or repeated behaviours as indicative of an underlying illness or addiction.
And so on.
Imagine Denial as confetti being pumped into a party balloon.
The more confetti that is pumped into a balloon, the greater the mess when it eventually bursts, as gravity demands it must.
Denial shares this characteristic - it cannot go on forever without ‘popping’ eventually, but the longer it goes on, the bigger the pop and resulting spill in the end.
To take the examples given above in their turn, if Denial goes on for a prolonged period without the damaging conduct or circumstance in question being moderated or removed, then the eventual ‘pop and spillage’ could range from consequences as serious as acrimonious divorce and alienation from children, dismissal from a job, being pursued by debt collectors or personal bankruptcy, an illness progressing beyond a point at which it could have been successfully treated or full blown long term addiction to e.g. drink, drugs or gambling, with all the detrimental long term physical and mental health issues that accompany them.
As such, it is critically important to be able to identify the existence of Denial in your life as early as possible, and either regulate your actions or circumstances if feasible or seek help as appropriate.
Ignoring it won’t make it go away and will only make it worse.
Because Denial is the very act of ignoring a particular state, it can however be tricky to tie down. This is why it is referred to as being “In Denial”.
So, once “In” Denial, how do you get “Out”?!
Well, we believe the first thing you need to do is to realise that you are in fact “In” Denial, as before this is achieved, there is very little personal incentive to do anything.
While we are not experts, we find that if we are ever “In Denial”, we have what we would describe as a non conscious “niggle”.
What this means is that, when acting while In Denial, there is a little something inside us which tells us it’s not right, natural or good for us, even if we think it is or it seems OK on the surface.
It doesn’t always stop us acting In Denial (particularly at first) because the cunning fox that is Denial persuades you that “it will all be alright in the end”, but it is acknowledged by us as a red flag that perhaps our actions and circumstances need to be placed under review.
If we continue acting in the same way repetitively and each time feel this “niggle”, then we agree its time to further investigate (see our post entitled "Engage your 'Inner Sherlock' to Stressbust Successfully").
Our investigation process is relatively simple, however. We list out 5 pros and cons of our actions or circumstances on the same piece of paper, including within the Cons section any very worst case scenarios that could result from our continued actions or circumstances.
This can be the most daunting part of the exercise because it involves imagining risks in the future when it is easier to just focus on the present.
But with increasing life expectancy this is becoming a more important task to perform periodically as a matter of prudent life planning.
The key to this particular exercise is Honesty – we don’t gloss our Cons list or overplay the Pros, as we appreciate the immense gravity of consequences that can arise from unchecked Denial.
Usually, when this task is performed after we feel our "niggle", at least one but sometimes a combination of 2 or 3 of the Cons so far outweigh all the Pros that it is abundantly evident we are acting In Denial, in which case we curtail or cease the action in question without delay regardless of how much perceived personal pleasure that costs us, as it is simply not worth the risk.
Only if none of the Cons whatsoever are persuasive do we conclude that chances are we are not acting In Denial, but we nevertheless even then agree to keep the value of the Pros to us under review as we trust our “niggle” regardless of this outcome.
It’s always difficult to face up to Denial because it requires us to examine and really explore the potential negative aspects of our behaviour or specific personal weaknesses, and thus goes to our identity of self.
But approaching the exercise in a curious rather than self critical manner can assist this.
For similar reasons, it is often difficult to seek out help, but there are organisations out there at a local and national level who will support for free in a non judgemental manner and whose expertise can be invaluable in avoiding potential life ruining escalation beyond repair.
See our Legal Notices page for further info on matters contained in this important Post.
Lots of Love & Luck, MikeyM&LouLoU™ 🙂❤🤎💚 xxxx