When we have friends or family who appear to be in a state of stress or anxiety, we naturally want to get to the bottom of what is causing it so we can help if at all possible.
The challenge with anxiety is that it is internal and there is a huge (albeit unnecessary) amount of pride, embarrassment and self consciousness in play when a person is experiencing anxiety because of its internalising nature and their reluctance to appear ‘weak’ to others.
Some cultures are better at talking openly about their feelings of anxiety than others.
While, for example, the Americans and Italians should be applauded as cultures for encouraging people to do so, the British and Germans are far less likely to share their anxieties voluntarily.
Add to this the fact that the very people who can probably help best – loved ones – are the very people you want to appear strong too, and all too often anxiety in these cases goes unchecked and as a result its impact simple exacerbates over time.
When we believe someone we care for is suffering from stress for whatever undisclosed reason(s) and not being mind readers ourselves, our questioning approach comprises 3 key facets – caution, empathy and patience. We deal with each below in turn.
1. Caution
At the end of the day, we could be part of the reason our loved ones are stressed, so we proceed carefully.
We find it useful to observe them with more scrutiny than usual (without making it so obvious that they realise) to see if we can pick up clues as to what the issue might be to better inform how we ultimately seek to illicit an opening up about the issue.
Is e.g. their mobile ringing more often?
Are they speaking to a particular member of the family less?
Has their spending pattern changed?
Are there any triggers that seem to alter their mood, etc, etc?
2. Empathy
People are more likely to open up if they don’t feel pushed into a corner to do so.
As a result we don’t e.g. look to have a serious sit down discussion to “force” answers out of them. That is far too formal and unlikely to attract the desired outcome, which is a voluntary sharing of the issue(s) bothering them from the affected party.
We instead accept that their mood swings and frustrations are probably a result of the anxiety they are evidently suffering and regularly reaffirm that we are here to talk about anything if they want to.
Stress and anxiety can make a person feel as if they are out of control which means the individual can be desperate to retain control but not know how to do it.
We find it helps therefore to mention in passing in ordinary day to day situations where we have e.g. made fools of ourselves or been upset by a third party, to let them know they are not alone in their experiences.
This can be a gradual process over a few hours or even days.
3. Patience
People need to feel they can trust others to open up to them.
If it is a particularly sensitive matter they are concerned about, such as a physical ailment, financial concerns or e.g., in the case of children, bullying at school, then we take the position that it is for us to demonstrate that trust, rather than assuming because the affected party is a loved one that it ought to exist as a matter of course.
This can mean reinforcing the challenges we have resolved together as a group or family historically and being gentle around them to provide at least a sub conscious indication that we are aware they are going through something and are here for them when they are ready.
We ask “open” as opposed to “closed” questions.
A closed question is one where the only answer is either “yes” or “no”.
We find such questions unhelpful as they are too unspecific and do not properly engender any kind of dialogue.
To use the bullying example above, asking “are you being bullied at school” would not account for the fact that a child may not in fact know if what they are being subjected to is bullying.
Open questions on the other hand invite the affected party to enter a dialogue on their terms which moves slowly and comfortably around to the anxiety in question.
To continue to use the bullying issue as an example, we might ask “how are you finding school at the moment”.
This question does not permit of a simple “yes” or “no” response, but rather invites our loved one to share information.
We usually find that by following the above approach, the affected party eventually opens up to us and we can help to resolve the issue.
Ongoing Steps
Alongside the above approach to specific instances, however, we aim to create an environment around (and ambience about) ourselves which renders itself open at any time to loved ones to be frank with their feelings, frustrations and worries.
This is achieved by a combination of always being available to talk openly, being seen to talk openly ourselves, sharing our life frustrations as they arise, laughing at ourselves, decorating our home so it is a comforting, warm haven and spending enough time with loved ones away from work issues so they feel they are always unconditionally at the heart of our lives. See our post entitled "10 Stressbusting™ Themes for Decorating to Innovate & Inspire" for further tips and experiences in this regard.
If you are concerned about loved ones for any reason, than please consult our Legal Notices page for further relevant info.
Lots of Patient love,
MikeyM&LouLoU™ ☺💚💘 xxxxx