“Question: Why would you rather deal with a vicious dog than your family-in-law?
Answer: A vicious dog will eventually let you go.”
We all hope to have fabulously enjoyable relationships with our in-law side of the family.
Sadly, this isn't always the case, and in-law family politics for some can be a continuous hotbed of stress and unrest that it can wise not to get caught in the middle of, otherwise as a perceived outsider, you may (as many have and do!) end up the sacrificial scapegoat.
So here are some simple tips on how avoid the stresses of in-law family wrangling:-
● guage when it is likely to be deemed acceptable to have an opinion (at all!) or not, particularly if it is controversial or may be at odds with theirs
● don't expect too much - accept day one that "blood is thicker than water", so don't automatically assume, for example, that even your spouse or civil partner will have your back in the event of a disagreement with the in-law family
● remain as calm as possible even in the event the in-law family are looking for a rise from you. It can be pure sport to some family members to create an emotional tsunami, then watch the waves ripple through the relationships of those they purportedly love or care for, but ignoring them can help diffuse the situation and demonstrate the problem is theirs, not yours
● if you have a family that doesn't look the side you are on when there is work to be done (such as ongoing babysitting), but then monopolises major vacations such as Christmas and Easter, with a view to creating a perception to all and sundry that they are the world's most supportive unit, when all they are really doing is maximising the benefits of party season, take it with a pinch of salt. But, at the same time, ensure you manage to earmark sufficient rest time during those holiday periods for your own immediate family unit to spend quality time together away from work
● appreciate that in-law families are incredibly complicated units with extensive history behind them and that, if the current finger of blame seems to constantly point at you as a non blood relative, the issues likely stem from the past of the family as a whole, and actually have nothing really to do with you. If you are made to feel isolated, that could be no logical reflection on you, but rather a manifestation of the in-law family's own long term failure to have addressed issues as they arose, and resulting fear of accepting the change you represent. In the event of such isolation, do not let it make you feel less of a person, but rather seek out people and projects elsewhere that recognise your value and enable you to express yourself in a positive, natural way. Remember, good friends can become your closest family, so in this case let your in-laws loss be someone else's gain!
● understand that some families operate under an illusion of perfection, and as such do not accept accountability. They may blanketly deny fault for anything whatsoever, regardless of overwhelming evidence or circumstance demonstrating error. They prefer to focus on complimenting the same perceived strengths of one another, rather than entering constructive discussion, or even criticism where appropriate, as a means to helping one another develop and grow in a safe environment. While unfortunate, this is all too common and results in stagnation. Learn to recognise the substantial barrier this might create to any points you are trying to make being even listened to, let alone acted proactively upon!
● remember that a healthy family relationship does not require you to aspire to a performance level that others within the family demonstrably cannot achieve themselves - so, be yourself, and as necessary remind your loved one that is who he or she fell in love with in the first place!
● treat any unreasonable endurances you suffer at the hands of the in-laws as an exercise that strengthens you as an individual and gives you the right to enjoy and celebrate your own independence away from them even more
● know when to simply step back from all the politics, and firmly reserve your right to do so in the event of overwhelm, as being in any kind of relationship (even marriage or civil partnership) do not oblige you to keep company you would rather not keep for good reason, particularly in the event of repeated unproductive and unjustified drama or animosity. In other words, there is no need to constantly feel like you are living life as an extra in an unfolding episode of "Eastenders".
Of course, these types of challenges are not exclusive to in-law families, and can equally apply in other family or work unit scenarios.
Readers own comments and experiences on this subject are as always most welcome 💯💙🧡❤️💘 xxx